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This article focuses on problems transsexual ladies face with young men as relationship partners. If "street slang" of a sexual nature offends you...well, skip over the naughty words.
"Are you a fag?"
That's exactly what a man shudders to hear when his family, friends, coworkers or his boss discovers that his girlfriend is a transsexual.
"Yes" as an answer is obviously untrue. Gay guys are not romantically or sexually attracted to women.
"No" as an answer means you will have some explaining to do. So you say: No.
"This is a chick with a dick," that guy says to you. "Do you expect me to believe you're not messing with that thing? Is she the one fucking you in the ass, or are you fucking her in the ass? Maybe you're fucking each other? Either way, man, that's gross! Jesus, I had no idea you were like that!"
The post-op defense
If she's post-op – I'm sure you know what that means – you have a defense:
"Knock it off. She's had the sex-change surgery. She's a woman," you say.
"No, she's not a woman," the guy says. "She doesn't have female organs and she was born a dude, dude."
You may not be a redneck, but by this point in the conversation, your neck may be turning red. Along with your face. And your fist may be tightly clenched. What do you do now? Use that fist and put the ignorant son of a bitch in the hospital? Maybe you could try some logic instead:
"You have met transsexuals before and probably you didn't even know it. You may have even asked one out." Nah, he'll laugh at that. He'll say he can "spot a tranny" every time.
"Am I a fag? Have I ever hit on you?" you snarl at him. "Have I ever hit on any guy that you know of? I haven't and you know it, so I'm not a fag." Good argument, but he'll probably just think you won't hit on anyone you know in your family, social or work circles.
You could be dismissive, with humor:
"Her background doesn't matter to me. But doesn't she have great tits?" If she has great tits, he'll probably agree.
Slam it home hard if necessary
I believe the most effective way to shut down ignorant and/or intolerant people is to be very straightforward and honest, and to do this with solid conviction. You no doubt have your own way of phrasing such things, but this works for me:
"Look, she is my girlfriend. In her mind, she's always been a girl and she's in the process of making her body match what's in her head. Now, I really love this girl and I expect you to show some respect. Furthermore, what happens sexually between her and I is none of your business. If this really bothers you, then you are the one with the problem. Deal with it and go get help."
Yes, that's right, the man should stand up for his transsexual lady. Unfortunately, transsexual ladies usually discover this is unlikely to happen until the man is over age 40. I know there are exceptions to this rule, but it takes a lot of inner strength to put personal and business relationships on the line.
Usually, it takes many years for a man to gain the experience and confidence necessary for him to be able to risk losing those he's close to, or risk being ostracized. This is exactly why TS ladies have such a hard time finding a relationship with younger men. These younger ladies may hear the promises about love and romance, but what happens when she says: "I'd like to meet your parents and friends"?
He either delays that by offering up some lame excuse, or bolts for the door, never to be seen again.
Either he was afraid, or he was lying. It's not news that men will lie to get sex. With men under 40, it's almost always about sex. Even though this young man may desire a relationship with a transsexual, there will be moments when stark, cold reality gets in the way of that fantasy.
Stark, cold reality can generate fear
If she's fully passable but pre-op, what happens if her tucked penis somehow becomes visible in her bikini bottom? What about if her Adam's apple is noticeable? If she hasn't completed electrolysis, facial hair might compromise the big secret. What about her voice? Oh my god – what will Mom and Dad think? What about the office Christmas party when she meets the boss?
If he has joint custody of children from a prior marriage, what happens if his ex-wife finds out? Will she try to use that as leverage in court to cut him out?
What about his football or golf buddies? What he dreads hearing is: "Are you a fag?"
Can you sense his ice-cold fear?
In this situation, when faced with the reality of entering into a legitimate relationship, he has to make a choice: Face down these people or run from the TS girl. Most often, he will run.
If you're a TS lady experiencing this problem, then it would be useful to talk about this openly and honestly with your man. You might as well find out if he can handle the ancillary relationship issues. This is far more problematic than what a genetic female experiences.
Did he say he can handle it? Good, then put him to the test. You might as well find out if he's telling the truth before you invest any more of your time and money in him. If he disappears on you, then you know for a fact that he can't handle it. Also apply this test to older men; obviously, there are a lot of liars with gray hair.
When the tables are turned
Alternatively, there is always the possibility that he will be ahead of the game. I met a pre-op TS in late 2001, who quickly became my girlfriend. Some months later, I had to go to the San Francisco Bay Area to see my Mom. I asked this TS woman to come along. She was about 53 years old at the time, and had transitioned only two years previously.
She was extremely nervous about meeting my Mom. I told her to relax, that she would do fine.
We drove from the L.A. area to the Bay Area on a Friday, and the closer we got, the more nervous she became. We were supposed to meet Mom at a restaurant's upstairs bar where she hangs out each Friday with her lady friends. When we pulled into the parking lot, my girlfriend was about ready to dive into the bay and swim back to Los Angeles.
"Your behavior, gestures and mannerisms are perfectly feminine," I said to her. "You're a girl through and through. Relax, you'll do fine."
She swallowed hard and followed me inside. With a big smile on my face, I introduced her to Mom. My girlfriend handled it perfectly. Mom introduced her to her four ladyfriends, then we sat down, had a drink and talked.
I'm not the sort of guy who feels a need to announce that a lady I'm with is a transsexual. I keep it under my hat because I believe it's just nobody's business.
"Sorry -- no old guys"
Younger TS ladies searching for a relationship often say things like: "No men old enough to be my father" in their ads, and that's understandable. They also say things like: "Be 25 to 35 years old." That's also perfectly understandable. But it's not particularly smart.
Understand what the man has to deal with and realize that you will have to convince and essentially train a younger man to deal with the realities of a transsexual relationship. OR you will have to find a guy with the maturity and confidence to go forward regardless of what others might say.
For younger ladies, it would be a good idea not to put upper age limits in your ads. Be realistic. See what's out there. You may find a terrific older guy who thinks you're the most amazing woman he's ever seen.
If that occurs, then you get a man who adores you and can handle being in a "regular" (as opposed to "discreet") relationship with a transsexual lady. This is a good guy who won't bolt and run if things get challenging over your gender change. And he gets the transwoman who really caught his eye and his full attention.
And that's a good thing!