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Start the transition or suppress my feminine side? (At the age of 30)


Wiwkooo
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Hi,

I am a 30yo “male”. In my whole life I tried to live as a normal man. But now I cannot suppress my feelings anymore. I feel that I have to write openly about all my feelings, thoughts and the different aspects of my life. I really need your opinion about my situation. 

I know that probably is too late for me to become to a passable woman (when I do my make up I do not like the result, because I look like just a transvestite, and not a nice one). But I cannot live anymore as a man. Nobody knows my secret. From outside I am a ” successful and handsome guy“. But I dream about a totally different life. 

In the last 6 months my life changed a lot because I moved to a different city where I am alone. And it was also a turning point for me that I turned to 30yo. I thought a lot about my life and my future. I know that the transition takes a lot of effort and time in such age, but I already know that I have to do this.

Now I know almost nothing about how to “transform” to a woman. Cosmetics, make up, hair, fashion are all new for me. This is also true for the fashion. I tried to be masculine in my whole life and did not take attention for feminine things. But nowadays I am really interested in everything regarding beauty care. I think if I immerse myself in this world I have a chance to be as feminine as possible (I also think about that I should attend to beauty school).
I think I need a professional support to be as feminine as possible without wasting more time. It would be great that this professional was also a transgender herself. I want to find my female version with her.

Hormones after 30.
Do the hormones work after 30 year? I heard that orchiectomy is also a good option. I have heard the maybe both option is the best in such age. 

Relationships and sexuality
I had few girlfriends in my life, but to be honest I felt that they were like friends for me.
I am virgin. I tried to have sex with a woman last year (first time), but I felt no sexual feelings and my penis didn’t not got hard. We tried it few times, but nothing happened. After that I tried to question my sexuality. I was too afraid to try with a man, but I bought a dildo few months ago. I love to use it. It really strengthened my feminine side and showed me what I have to do to get sexual feelings. I crave to ride this dildo few times a week and more and more think about with guys.
To be honest I never imagined that I have sex with a woman. Since my childhood I only imagined myself in a submissive position. 
I think I have to write about my masturbation also.
My penis does not bother me. To be honest when I masturbate I think that my penis is a guy’s penis and not mine. Nowadays I feel that I should try with real penis.
I can suck my penis. My body is really flexible thanks to the lot of trainings since my childhood. Sometimes I suck my own cock. I really like it and nowadays I also feel that craving for to suck.
After masturbation I almost everytime feel shame and I do not like myself (how could I do that? I am sick?). I tried to not masturbate for a month. I felt more and more feminine and I thought more and more about guys. In the last few months I try to only masturbate with dildo without jerking. I can reach orgasm with touching myself and what was really strange for me that I feel no shame after masturbation. So I tried to focus in such masturbation. It helps me to connect with my feminine side. 
(I am really afraid of first sex with a guy. What if I do not like it? What if that all my masturbation with the dildo and selfsucking are only fetish? But I think that is more likely that I will love with real thing. Moreover I am a 30yo virgin and I think this is also not normal.)

I do not feel that I am gay. I feel that first I have to be a woman. I only can imagine myself with a guy if I look like and live as a woman. In the last few months I think a lot about guys. I feel that if I start a new life now maybe I have a chance look to like a woman and find a guy. I think I also suppressed my feelings toward guys..

Fetish or Transsexualism
Earlier I thought that this is normal for a teenager, but now I am 30yo. Then I thought that this is just a fetish. But in more and more field of my life I feel that probably I would be happier as a woman. What would you ask me regarding this? I think I tried to convince myself that “this is just a fetish”, because in that way I does not need to face with the real deal... 

The advantages of late transition
What do you think what are the advantages? I always try to see the good things and it would also help me.

I have written all my thoughts. Maybe too openly. But I think I had to do this, to help to solve my situation.

Vivien

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  • 7 months later...

Hi,

I just want to give you a feedback. 

I have good news :) I had the courage to change my life. I started a therapy with a gender therapist in April. She said that I am a transsexual after few sessions. According to her my biggest fear was that I am too old to be a passable woman. She helped me to speak with another doctors. I had my hormone levels checked, I spoke with plastic surgeon. 

They all said that I have a good base to start the transition. So I decided to start a life what I wanted for so long. I started to take hormones in July. Which means that almost 4 months I take them. 

To be honest I live as a man yet. My plan is to start to live as a full time woman in the next summer. My therapist met me with her friend who is a beautician and make up artist. She helped me to put together my own cosmetics and make up set. My flat is full of Maybelline, L’Oréal, Dove products :) In the last few months I have my daily skin care routine and practice make up from YouTube. 

I started to do yoga and aerobic exercises few times a week and I lost 6 kg. My goal is to be around 55-60. Now I am 64 kg.

I now feel the effects of the hormone. The doctor said that my body is reacting really fast for the estrogen. That is why I really fast experienced the main side effect of the hormone. My penis was shrunk and almost is impossible to get hard. But on the other side it helps me to focus the feminization. I use a lot my dildo and I can get orgasm with it. But my sperm is not so white. 

Because my male part is useless I started to think a lot more about ‘working’ cocks. So recently I met with a guy and had my first sex. It was really strange for me. You know I was virgin. First he wanted me to suck his dick. I was a bit terrified. I had a 17 cm cock, before the hormones. But he had a 22-24. I licked a lot his cock and then suck it. After that he fucked me really hard. And then he asked me to suck his cock till cum. I did it. After it I felt shame. Often when I cross dressed at home and jerk of after my cum I felt like this. And now I felt also this..

I started to question my decision, the transition. Now after few days I started to crave for cocks. I do not know what to do. When I watch to the mirror I see an ugly transvestite..

I know that this process take time and I have to do a lot of surgeries and to get a complete makeover, but I do not know.

What do you think? 

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